- I have lopped most of my hair off because long hair is a pain in the everything.
- I started reading Homestuck. I have caught up and am now playing the waiting game 'til the Gigapause ends.
- Trying to make a Jade Harley Godteir costume. I discovered cosplay is absurdly expensive.
- Started an Homestucky RP thing with my friend. It's currently on hiatus.
- Nearly filled up my drawing journal.
- Worrying about my sanity due to a recent dream I had...
- Banging my head on a keyboard instead of writing anything substantial.
- Resisting the urge to start new story after new story when I have yet to finish ANY of my other ones.
- Trying to convince myself that my other stories actually don't suck and to keep trying to finish them instead of 'revamping' them into something 'better.'
- Gradually descending into a 'Don't Talk To Me, I Don't Care' attitude toward my classmates and swearing, mostly to myself, more and more.
She lied, quite badly.
So. I could apologize, but let's face it. I don't have anyone to apologize to. I don't exactly have a following. Nobody's waiting patiently or not-so-patiently for my next post. I can pretty much do whatever the hell I want.
Unless my dad or something decides to check in. Then I'd just... never hear the end of it, probably.
It can be a really uncomfortable situation, when you're family all looks at your stuff. If you're me, who's self-conscious as fuck, you sort of... censor yourself. Hold back. Be a little more edited. I'm kinda slowly dropping that now, as an experiment. And by dropping that I mean typing like I'm currently thinking it, which is with a couple bad words in it because I'm actually okay with it now.
Woo. I'm a rebel. (Waves fist unenthusiastically.)
Okay see, what I did there was imply that I'm secretly very out there and edgy and--no. No, I'm a dork. I don't have a fucking clue what anyone wants from me and quite frankly most of the time I just don't care. I might as well not care here. It would save me a lot of trouble, being liked or known on the internet shouldn't even make my list of priorities at age fifteen. That's just stupid.
Slight change of subject. I've actually had people at school call me rude. People who have continued to sort of irk me since the start and I'm gradually starting to lose my ability to keep up a facade of civility and am actually starting to show that I don't like these people. So I'm rude now. I'm okay with that. I'm not instantly rude to people, at least I don't try to be. But my previous habit of silently harboring a dislike of someone that eventually gets exaggerated into a passive-aggressive (not even aggressive, really.) hate just isn't healthy. Seriously, I might as well make it known that they do irritating stuff like look over my shoulder when I'm drawing or just plain bug me. That's the big thing-Don't fucking look at my stuff while I'm drawing it's not for you, you twat. I will jump, and I will snap at you like a feral cat. It's not funny, it's really intrusive. And it's not about how good I am, because I've had people try to reassure me of that. NO. That is my private journal and don't proceed to pull a twenty questions on me about what I do with it it's none of your goddamn business. Also don't touch it. And don't question why I literally carry it everywhere, because it has a lot to do with people who are just generally asshats. That kind of stuff will just make a small part of me instinctively go 'this person is not worth knowing and should be avoided.' I can't help it, it's just a learned habit.
Is being an antisocial bitch who's quick to judge a learned habit?
'Cause I've concluded that's what I am.
Part of me want's to be perceived as nice, but I'm just sick of people. I have actually given up at going out of my way to make friends in high school. If I meet someone who's nice and I like them, fine. But I'm not going to surround myself with people for the simple sake of not being alone. That's what's really weird; if you don't have friends in school they think there's something wrong with you, you're unhappy or something. In middle school, I went to the counselor's every other lunch or something and I looked forward to it. She introduced me to two people that she thought 'were a lot like me.'
They were nice... and eventually after talking to them for weeks, I realized...
They were fucking idiots.
We had literally nothing in common.
Letting people pick my friends is the biggest mistake 13-year-old me could make.
Have I reached my moody-teen phase yet? (she asked the sky sarcastically.) I'm going to end this here, because I'm just going to get more an more negative. Goodbye.
T.Y.G.E.R.
