Why are you just figuring out that Advisement might actually be worth something if we talked about something besides Homecoming votes and passed out our report cards?
Why are we only just talking about our grades in depth and what GPA is and more importantly, what our GPA is?
Why am I just learning that my hope GPA is under a the fucking 3-point-goddamn-I-fucking-hate-college-and-I-haven't-even-gotten-there-yet-oh and it only counts five FUCKING SUBJECTS!?
My two art classes were a waste of my time.
My two creative writing classes were a waste of my time.
MY YEAR LONG SPIN IN CONCERT BAND THAT I DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO DO IN THE FIRST PLACE WAS A WASTE OF MY TIME-of course I already knew that.
I don't want to go to college.
Like, I really, really don't.
Everyone there says it sucks.
Nobody has fun.
The fact that most people don't even get a job they use what they got a diploma in is accepted as not only a part of life but a joke.
The fact that I'm not interested in anything marketable.
The fact my parents think college is a magical place that will spit me out and I'll get a high-paying job in what I love no questions asked so I won't have to do hard manual labor and struggle to get by ever.
The fact I have virtually no useful skills. At all. I'm pathetic. I look at resumes and wonder how in my life I'll ever get a goddamn job because I literally have no idea what I'd put on it.
Why didn't anyone tell me how I was impacting my grade in 10th grade because I literally stopped giving a fuck. I didn't want the stress, and I didn't want to cry over possible C's. I didn't know what to do to keep my GPA up or really what my GPA was no one told me. I was only fucking told this year. Like, halfway last semester this year.
And don't get me started on how I was continually told to get straight A's in elementary and middle school and-whoop-dee-doo surprise none of that actually accounts for anything fuck you and anything you're actually good at and ever were.
Which isn't fucking much now, is it?
Because what I love... is useless. Underrated, uncounted, and pointless.
(Hell, you have sports shoved so far up your ass, school system, why don't you toss PE stuff in? I took a required personal fitness class that put me off exercise for life like years of classes have done for MATH and now is doing for science, that's a semester I'm never gonna get back, but somehow I got an A. No? Of course.)
AP drawing sounded wonderful before that was dropped on me. Now I wish I had changed it.
So did Music in Film.
But none of it matters now, does it?
Even Dad said it, I don't want to do anything marketable.
I don't know what's wrong with me. People talking to me, or around me, feel like taking a drill to my brain, and sometimes I want to yell or something at them, but there's no logical reason for it. Usually they're just minding their own business, or trying to help or just talk to me. I recognize it's not acceptable, but... it's happening and I'd like to know what's wrong and how to fix it? Like I want to fight something in some way, really. I literally can't work up the motivation, be it positive or negative, to do shit. I hate everyone and everything and every little part of me and what I do. I want to put the world on pause for a bit.
I've tried to talk to my parents about it, but they kinda believe that you can make (rather 'force') yourself happy no matter what. Dad throws 'coping' around a lot. I can't even tell them I'm fucking bored or Dad pretty much calls me stupid. 'Only stupid people get bored.' But, besides the point, they may make me feel better for a short time... but they kinda... don't actually... help. Like no solutions offered, just assurances. Though I guess that's the best they can do.
I'm not used to being like this.
I'm not the one that's supposed to get like this.
T.Y--fuck it.
Lily
Lily, Lily, Lily,
ReplyDeleteI just wrote you a very long comment about this blog. When I clicked on "Preview" it disappeared! Very frustrating! It was all about the Senior year and the college process, as well as your feelings in your blog. Right now, I am more concerned about how you are feeling, so I'll write again and shorten it up a bit.
You are feeling what most Juniors are feeling when they are about to become Seniors. I agree that you should have known about the core classes only counting in your GPA. I understand how you must be blindsided. The rest of your classmates are going through the very same as you right now. Take it all in small baby steps. One step at a time. The worst of it is behind you. Senior year will be much better.
Your parents want what is best for you. You have heard this a million times. We did not have the opportunity you have to go to college. Your father and I made it to community college - on our dime. Times were different for us when we were growing up.
Your dad talked of you becoming a writer. He so often pointed his friends in the direction to your stories to read. Your dad is so very proud of you, and he thinks you are an exceptional writer! He always used to tell me how good and smart you and Rosie are. It used to make me happy to know that his children made him happy and proud. I thought you might go into Journalism in college. You like to write, and it is very marketable. You don't have to set your major in stone. You are allowed to change your mind along the way. You will grow. You will begin to know who you are, and you will become comfortable with who you are. It does get better. You are a beautiful, smart young woman.
It is very difficult for us parents who did not graduate from a university with a Bachelor of Science degree to help guide our children on the path to college. If I did not volunteer and meet with Brian's Math/Science Dean of Students to help me learn the college process, I would have been stressed too ( I am very inquisitive)! Maybe having a meeting with your counselor and your parents will help ease the stress of the process. Volunteering during the summer will look good on your resume.
Remember: Take baby steps. Breathe. One step at a time. Breathe. You are not alone. Breathe. Your classmates are going through this. Breathe. Your family loves you. Your parents love you. They are there for you. Talk to them. Breathe. This, too, shall pass. Take a deep breath. Breathe. Exhale.
That was nice of Linda to write to You Lily! Shes right about alot of those things! One thing I KNOW YOU DID WELL IS--- YOU DIDN'T GET MARRIED AT 16&1/2! I DIDN'T "hAVE:" TO AS THEY USED TO SAY-- i WAS jUST TOO STUPID!
DeleteLily I love you. I know the transition between being a child/student and being a young adult is a hard one. I will try harder to understand. please don't stress about it so much. It all seems like quite a load now, but you'll get through it. Everyone does. your a good person, things will work out.
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